There was a moment on New Year’s Eve, once the clock had struck midnight, when I was alone.
I stood by the window of my bedroom, the sky illuminated in the distance with the shining coloured lights of the fireworks over my beloved Melbourne city. Everyone was downstairs, the sound of laughter floating up, glasses clinking.
I held my own glass of champagne (non-alcoholic of course and it tasted like balls!) (Just to be clear – NOT that I’ve ever…errr…ok stopping) and slowly sipped as I stood there. The baby kicked in protest of the bubbly liquid and my hand found the curve of my belly to savour the feeling.
The prophecy of 2012 as the Year of the Dragon being one of tumultuous change had come true. I was thinking back and I remembered 2012 being one of confusion and fogginess. I was – am still - at a crossroads with my career, I felt unfulfilled and sensed potential in myself that trembled at the whisper of making it real. I travelled – notably Sri Lanka – which perhaps came at a time where I put too much pressure on myself and that was just the thing I needed.
I felt like I was being swept away in this current of life and I couldn’t do anything about it except let it take me along. I felt defeated and small, my yearning to have a life of my choice slipping through my fingers.
Then – I made a choice. I wasn’t going to stop my life for the fear of others. It was a big decision and one that I honestly haven’t completely fulfilled yet – but for me I took the biggest step. I had been thinking of starting a family for a little while, and Evs, was just waiting on me. I always had a reason not to – I needed to lose that last 5 kilos, I wanted to get a promotion, we needed to travel more. Then I realised that I was chasing happiness in things that deep down I knew wouldn’t change a thing.
Being pregnant, preparing for this baby, took up most of 2012. I learned to accept my body as it changed. I’ve cried like my heart was breaking. I’ve laughed with the delight and wonder of experiencing something so new for the very first time.
I can’t sum up 2012 eloquently – too much happened – both good and bad. The world, prophesied to end, went on.
Am I selfish to say that I’m glad to see the back of it??
2013 offers me a new start. A blank slate. And how can I not embrace that?
Last year, I made a vision board to visualise my goals for the year. In the cockiness and glow of the new year, I feel like I went a little overboard.
Yes I quit sugar. (And fell off it again).
Yes, I (am) start(ing)ed a family.
Yes, I tried to be more assertive (and wimped out on more than one occasion).
But, I didn’t achieve everything. And that’s ok.
This year, I still intend to make one – but my heart feels like I need to simplify. Focus on the core things that will make me happy. Maybe it’s because I’m getting older that I feel like I don’t need so many THINGS to achieve, but more a general sense of wholeness.
I know I am an escapist – whether it be to books, blogs or other countries.
And so I have chosen a word that I will live my year by. I want this word to envelop me, to guide me and to lift me up.
With courage comes confidence. With confidence comes courage. The courage to chase my dreams, be the best person I can be, to not give up. To face the unknown of motherhood and LIFE with courage. To find my tribe of like-minded people that I can be courageous with, be myself with. To find a mentor to guide me.
I want to feel like this when the fireworks go off again and I stand by that window:
I wrote in my very first blog post that ‘hope, like happiness, is a decision which we make’, and I couldn’t advocate this more. This year I consciously made the decision to move more confidently in the direction of a life that made me feel more authentic, passionate, and creative. It was a choice. It was a standard that I had set for myself, and as Tony Robbins says “we always, always, live up to our standards”.
This year I learnt that anything is possible. Things happen if you make them happen. It’s all about hustle and heart. When we have a deep desire to create something in our lives which uplifts and supports, the Universe will always conspire with us to make it happen. Miracles and magic are everywhere. The key is to be open.
I am going to let myself believe in miracles, in intentions, in GOOD THINGS HAPPENING – but most of all I am going to believe in myself.
PS. I was sent a great e-book from a wonderful woman Shannah, about simplifying and structuring which I am currently reading that is giving me some ideas how to put some structure around my intentions because I do truly suck at that. I’ll do a full review of it soon and may have some copies to give away as well – so stay tuned!!
PPS. I’ve started up the FatMumSlim Photoaday challenge again for January. See here for full details and if you’re interested to join or follow along, I’ll be posting my pics on Instagram and my Facebook page.
If there was one word to describe your intentions for 2013 – what would it be?